Circum-Scissors $10

Posted on August 19, 2010
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L’Chaim! Are you a discount mohel? You should be. Discount mohels make serious bank. They also meet tons of chicks that have recently been pregnant (including Shikshas!), so you know they’re up for it.

Of course I jest. But these scissors seem suitable for about three purposes: accurately cutting paper and cloth, and cutting, uh well, you know, that thing they cut during circumcisions. Whatever the hell that thing is called.

So, as one of the more practical devices we’ve posted in, say, our entire StrangeDeals existence, just go ahead and buy these Circum-Scissors (I made that name up; they went with the oh-so-clever “scissor tape measure”). They’re just $9.98 at Taylor Gifts. Your future clients’ beloved children will thank you for the precision and accuracy.

Pig Snout Mug $15

Posted on August 5, 2010
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Man I love The Beatles. And who doesn’t, right? Pigs, that’s who. That’s why they wrote that song Piggies and put it on the White Album.

Everywhere there’s lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon

Now I’m not positive, but I think they’re using pigs as an allegory for something else here, because I don’t think pigs can get married yet. And pigs eating bacon is probably how foot-and-mouth disease started. Though, the Beatles are from England and things can get weird pretty fast over there.

So, if you know anyone who can be a bit piggish, lighten up their sty with this cool Pig Snout Mug. It’s only $14.99 at Perpetual Kid. Or buy one for yourself, bring it to the office, and see how many times you can say “oin-kay” instead of “okay” before you get fired. Over-under is probably like three times (I’ll take the under).

Bottle Opening T-Shirt $20

Posted on July 27, 2010
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Sometimes when you’re at a barbecue or a party, some forigner brings along a sixer of beer that can’t be opened with a conventional twist. Then they’ll say something along the lines of, “Jah! Twist heads are all ze kitsch in ze U, S, and A, no?”

This is because foreigners and their beer and their brewmasters pride themselves on being difficult. Just take one of my favorite Munich beers, Spaten. Their motto is, “das ist der rattan, drink de Spaten,” which my friend had his grandmother who speaks German translate for us. Her response? “Let the rats drink shovels.” Indeed Munich, indeed.

Luckily, the prodigies over at ThinkGeek.com have this Bottle Opening T-Shirt available for $19.99. It’s even got a picture of a certain non-copyright-infringing Futurama robotic lookalike on the front. Just place your bottle cap in the (non-Bender) robot’s hand and snap it off. Das ist gut!

In case you’re bored, watch ThinkGeek’s handy YouTube video starring depressive, non-contributing slackers from their staff demonstrating how to wear this shirt properly (hint: properly involves living in a dirty Williamsburg apartment).

Coming Soon: Adaptive Lens Technology

Posted on July 22, 2010
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I can’t believe people go to medical school to become eye doctors. It seems to me you could take a short ESL class on how to properly pronounce the question, “better or worse” and you’d be pretty much set.

Of course, when I go to the eye doctor their always trying to upsell me on bionic laser pupils and night vision eyes like Vin Diesel in those dumb movies that no one ever saw. But that’s neither here nor there.

What is here (almost)? Adaptive Lens Technology! Look out eye doctors, this badass new eyeware is going to put you in the bread line! You can then ask yourself, “is this better or worse?” It will likely be worse than when you were a rich doctor.

I don’t quite understand how these work, but I won’t need to because they’re so easy to use. You just twist the dial until you can see, or if you prefer, unsee everything in front of you. Adlens, developers of Adaptive Lens Technology, uses a hollow lens with plastic stretched across. That plastic is then filled with refractive index fluid (or as I like to call it, special sauce) until all the convexes and vectors and things are in place for perfect vision.

They should really make these for your nose too. Adaptive Smell Technology: you could have either a heightened canine-like sense of smell, or if you live in Mogadishu, you could unsmell everything.

Portable Watermelon Cooler $231

Posted on July 20, 2010
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The Japanese are so far ahead of everyone that it’s just plain ridiculous. They’re so far ahead that sometimes they come up with new technology designed simply to screw with us. I’ve never been more sure of it.

Take, for example, this Marugoto Tamachan Portable Watermelon Cooler. Why does this thing exist? I don’t know, but I have a feeling it’s to make the rest of the world feel like a bunch of Okies and hayseeds who wouldn’t know a portable watermelon cooler from a Hello Kitty Sushi Maker (careful, that site is weird and possibly inappropriate).

Wanna be the coolest guy or gal at the next barbecue? Buy this thing and act all aloof when people wonder what the hell it is. “You’ve never seen a Marugoto Tamachan Portable Wheeled Watermelon Cooler? Do you live in a cave?”

It’s available at Joybond (a site with the oh-so-awesome slogan, “Car Care System For Professional Purpose”) for only 19,950 yen (about $231). Then, and only then, will you be able to cool mobile watermelon for professional purpose.

750ml Wine Glass $12

Posted on July 19, 2010
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We drink a lot of wine in the Strange Deals offices. Our manager is French and he forces us to drink it at lunch because it’s ala mode (which means something untranslatable in French, I’m told).

Well, one thing always leads to another and we’re usually quite punchy after our sixth glass.

But why on Earth are we drinking six glasses of wine (other than our Frog manager forcing them down our gullets one after another after another)? We’re American, dammit! Give us one huge glass!

Ask and thou shalt receive. This Giant Wine Glass holds 750 milliliters of wine, or if you’re French, a full bouteille de vin (I’m told that means jug of vin). It’s available from The Storage Store (via Amazon) for only $11.99.

Maintenant, boire autant que vous le pouvez.

Giant Wine Glass

The Personal Submarine $2,000,000

Posted on July 14, 2010
Filed Under Egomaniac Gifts, dangerous gifts | Leave a Comment

When I was reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by that French lunatic Jules Verne, I always imagined myself on a submarine. I was in middle school, so it was feasible to me. Captain Nemo and I in the Nautilus, exploring uncharted ocean floors and swimming around way down there. “Open the hatch Captain, I’m going for a dip!”

Then I saw all those movies: The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, and U-571. Remember U-571? Me neither. Well except for that one line, “Everything’s in German!”

Back to the point. I now know that there is no way in hell I would ever get in a submarine that was actually going to, you know, submerge.

Then, along comes this Personal Submarine. Just looking at it makes me want to walk on some concrete. It has a lot of cool features, though: it can descend to depths of 1000 feet; it has a 3.25″-thick acrylic pressure sphere; there are two 3-horsepower motors allowing it to travel at up to four knots; and it can frighten me. It’s at Hammacher Schlemmer for just $2,000,00, because who needs a mansion in Miami when you can have your own U-Boat?

Buy it, send us some photos of yourself underwater in it, and we’ll send you some complimentary medication. You need help.

The Periodic Table of Swearing $135

Posted on July 13, 2010
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Other than beating people with shovels, is there anything more cathartic than swearing? I can think of so many situations where it cannot be beat:

Swearing in traffic, with the windows up, so you can say the kinds of things that make old ladies faint

Swearing at your mother, then apologizing, then cussing more under your breath as you walk away

Swearing on the phone, at the phone company because, man are they a bunch of F@#%$

Swearing at animals, my cats for instance

Swearing while hitting someone with a shovel, then swearing at the judge in court after your sentencing

Sometimes though, our swearing becomes monotonous. We use the same cuss words so often that they seem to lose their effect. The F-word is a very powerful one, but when you pepper every other word in the same sentence with it like Andrew Dice Clay, you sound obtuse. After all, variety is the spice of life.

Some good people at the UK site Modern Toss have remedied this with such ferocity that you’ll soon be shouting expletives at your neighbor’s kids that you didn’t even know existed. Ladies and gentlemen, The Periodic Table of Swearing. Measuring about 16.5″ x 23.3″ It’s available for £90, which translates to about $135.

I wish I could list off all the great filth on this (it’s got all the hilarious Brit cusses that make no sense to Americans, like “prat” and “wank”), but StrangeDeals is a family site, sorta. So consider yourself warned: this ain’t your grandpa’s periodic table of swearing.

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